Big Fat Pretty Bow
Last week I was blessed with the opportunity to attend Catalyst in Atlanta. It was the first time in four years that my husband Justin and I had been back to this conference. If you read my last post you will understand the magnitude of our return. I prayed, I backed out (several times), I asked for guidance from close friends and in the end felt called to go. With anticipation of what the week would hold, I begged God to give me a new sense of purpose and vision for my life. I knew by the end of the conference I would be able to blog about all that happened and tie this season of my life up with a BIG FAT PRETTY BOW!
As Justin and I walked into the familiar setting of Catalyst, I found that all the emotions that I thought I would feel were simply not there. The couple that we once were no longer exists so to try and go back to who we used to be was nearly impossible. I could feel the pretty fat bow start to take shape around my life and the level of anticipation of what God would speak left me giddy. The theme of the week was “On Your Mark” and Andy Stanley delivered a powerful opening message that set the tone for the sessions to come. While most people would be and should be fired up by his message I felt my pretty fat bow start to loosen it’s grip. The conference was no longer about Justin and I as a couple (although we were SO grateful to be there together) it became about me, 15 years of ministry and a lost “mark”.
In attempting to wrap my mind around what God was doing I prayed He would make it clear where I could find my mark. Have I missed it? Is being a wife, mom and friend my mark? If so, then why do I feel confused and discontent? Each of these roles mean the world to me! Is it a holy discontent or a fear of a mark I feel inadequate to embrace? I don’t want to be the double-minded person of James 1:8. Yet I don’t want to get started on a mark He has not asked me to embrace. What’s even more painful is that I love to help others find their mark! I don’t care what your baggage is, I know that God has a purpose and a plan for you! But how can I champion others to find their mark if I have no idea where to find mine? So I prayed, read scripture and listened….
I wish I could leave this post wrapped with a pretty fat bow, but I can’t. God has remained quiet and I am still waiting to hear “on your mark”. What I can leave you with is this… although I hate being in this place, I will never give-up! I don’t know why God has led me here but in the end he will wrap me in his pretty fat bow of grace and redemption and tell me “well done good and faithful servant” and that is the hope I cling to today.
I would love to hear if you are on this journey or would like to share words of encouragement for those of us who are!
[...] This post was mentioned on Twitter by trishadavis23 and Emily Sutherland. Emily Sutherland said: So good!! RT @trishadavis23: My BIG FAT PRETTY BOW! http://bit.ly/YOsa7 [...]
Trish–That is exactly where I feel I am right now. I retired this past May after 30 yrs at the credit union I worked at. I always felt that God gave me a platform there to share His story with those I worked with and those He brought into my little cubicle. But–I felt His leading to leave and now I'm asking–Okay, God, what is it you have for me to do? It's hard to just wait. I'm all about doing. So, in this interim of waiting, I just keep praying and trusting that He will lead me to what my purpose is. There are lessons to be learned in waiting–I just hope I don't miss what they are. And in the meantime, I want each and every day to count for something. So, I'm being content, for now, to look for the little ways to show love and compassion and like Mother Theresa have found that those little things can become big things in God's economy. Maybe I'm right where God wants me to be. Only He knows. Thanks for your transparency. It's nice to know others are struggling with the same thing.
Sherry- I will be praying for you in the waiting. Although it is so hard to wait I’m excited for the lessons to be learned. Maybe it has nothing to do with God’s view of purpose but more of our view of purpose? My “purpose” as a mom. Your “purpose” as an employee. Maybe God has always been about the little things. Of all the people to comment, yours really got me thinking. I couldn’t remember what you did for a living! Isn’t that interesting? What I do remember is that you are a loving mom, a loyal friend, an encourager, a worship leader, a prayer warrior and comedian! Your “purpose” from my perspective is about all the things I mentioned above and not your job… Maybe that’s part of the lesson?
Ok, so I'm thinking if I tell you anything that's suppose to be so brilliant, it will be like the blind leading the blind (like typical sheep) But as I was reading your post, I hear a word from the Lord – Imagine it's CHRIST-mas time and there are packages to be wrapped. We have all we need — scissors, tape, wrapping paper, bows, etc . Now wrapping can be simple or elaborate, YET however wrapped, the wrapping doesn't define the gift. THE BIG FAT PRETTY BOW has it's place — in the wrappings, it doesn't define the gift. Jesus was wrapped in swaddling clothes and in a shroud. So in the humility of the Little Drummer Boy who gave his best to Hi of what he had and where he was. For God this is enough.
Oops, I meant — the Little Drummer Boy who gave his best to HIm…(baby Jesus)
I am so there that I actually dislike my life right now. I know that sounds harsh (and it probably is) but the discontent I feel in my life right now makes every day a chore. I had been kicking around the very thoughts you expressed for a post on my blog and when I came here via your Twitter update I would have fallen to the floor had I not already been laying on it.
The silence from God is almost overwhelming to be honest. Every day that goes by without knowing my "mark" is eating away at me. I go to bed at night feeling like it was another wasted day. Thanks for expressing what I've been feeling so clearly.
I love you and I love that you are open to sharing your story. you are a big inspiration to me. Im soooo glad I got to spend the time with you!!!!