Last week I was blessed with the opportunity to attend Catalyst in Atlanta. It was the first time in four years that my husband Justin and I had been back to this conference. If you read my last post you will understand the magnitude of our return. I prayed, I backed out (several times), I asked for guidance from close friends and in the end felt called to go. With anticipation of what the week would hold, I begged God to give me a new sense of purpose and vision for my life. I knew by the end of the conference I would be able to blog about all that happened and tie this season of my life up with a BIG FAT PRETTY BOW!

As Justin and I walked into the familiar setting of Catalyst, I found that all the emotions that I thought I would feel were simply not there. The couple that we once were no longer exists so to try and go back to who we used to be was nearly impossible. I could feel the pretty fat bow start to take shape around my life and the level of anticipation of what God would speak left me giddy. The theme of the week was “On Your Mark” and Andy Stanley delivered a powerful opening message that set the tone for the sessions to come. While most people would be and should be fired up by his message I felt my pretty fat bow start to loosen it’s grip. The conference was no longer about Justin and I as a couple (although we were SO grateful to be there together) it became about me, 15 years of ministry and a lost “mark”.

In attempting to wrap my mind around what God was doing I prayed He would make it clear where I could find my mark. Have I missed it? Is being a wife, mom and friend my mark? If so, then why do I feel confused and discontent? Each of these roles mean the world to me! Is it a holy discontent or a fear of a mark I feel inadequate to embrace? I don’t want to be the double-minded person of James 1:8. Yet I don’t want to get started on a mark He has not asked me to embrace. What’s even more painful is that I love to help others find their mark! I don’t care what your baggage is, I know that God has a purpose and a plan for you! But how can I champion others to find their mark if I have no idea where to find mine? So I prayed, read scripture and listened….

I wish I could leave this post wrapped with a pretty fat bow, but I can’t. God has remained quiet and I am still waiting to hear “on your mark”. What I can leave you with is this… although I hate being in this place, I will never give-up! I don’t know why God has led me here but in the end he will wrap me in his pretty fat bow of grace and redemption and tell me “well done good and faithful servant” and that is the hope I cling to today.

I would love to hear if you are on this journey or would like to share words of encouragement for those of us who are!