This past week my youngest son Isaiah (7) and I were working on a project for school. Each student in his class gets to have one week out of the school year that is all about them. So this week Isaiah is the “Marvelous Me” student of the week!

One of his assignments for “marvelous me” week is to create a poster of pictures of himself, family, friends and things he enjoys. Usually I use the computer to print off pictures for these types of projects but this time I realized we were out of colored ink. Stink… So Isaiah and I decided to look through his developed pictures to use instead.

This started a chain reaction in our household! One by one someone from our family would walk into our spread of pictures and get sucked in to looking at them. We laughed a lot and in some moments Justin and I got teary eyed. It was bitter sweet to remember how small the boys used to be and how quickly they are growing. Bitter sweet to think through 16 years of ministry together and the hilarious pictures we can’t wait to put on Facebook of those we’ve served with!
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As Justin and I sorted through the pictures and took in all that our extended family and friends have been through, Justin became very quite. Then he made the sweetest statement: “No matter where we have lived; no matter if I was making $16,000 or $160,000; no matter who we were doing life and ministry with, GOD HAS ALWAYS BEEN FAITHFUL” and his statement is so true.

So today as we are snowed in with our boys and creating more memories that one day we will look back on I want to take the time to say thank you! Thank you Jesus for your faithfulness! Thank you to our extended families that have stuck by our side in the good and bad. Thank you to MANY friends who have loved us when we had little and loved us when we had a lot (and then little again)! Thank you to our boys who I think may have taught us more than we have taught them! Our family is blessed beyond comprehension and each day is a gift of life, love and friendships!

Who are you thankful for today?

The pressure of writing this post is a bit overwhelming and my heart is heavy. Sigh… not because I think I have all the answers but simply the reality of the broken person who will search for this resource. Remembering that surreal and painful moment of hearing “I’m having an affair.” And now knowing that I may be speaking into your “moment” causes me to stop and pray hard that I don’t mess this up.

As I (Trisha), write I am reminded that this isn’t about what I’ve done. This post is all about what Christ did for me in my “moment” and how He continues to restore and bring HOPE in what was a very hopeless situation! This post is for YOU the hurting and broken spouse whose world is being turned upside down. I pray my words are encouraging and hope filled as you begin your journey of healing.

1. Grieve!
The Grieving process is a gift from God. As Christians we often feel guilty for being angry, sad or depressed. Knowing your spouse has had an affair is like being told they have died. All that you have thought to be true about your marriage and your spouse is now dead. It is OK to be angry! It is OK to feel depressed! It is OK to feel confused! It is OK to feel hopeless. Just because you feel these emotions it doesn’t change who God is and the love he has for you.

Grieving is the start to the restoration process and maybe not for your marriage but for you as a person and child of God. While it can be unhealthy to get stuck in one of the stages of grief it is essential to grieve and understand that with grieving comes healing!

2. Get Help! You Need Community.
When Justin said “I’m having an affair” it seemed that all my community disappeared. The affair was with my best friend and staff member of our church. The two people I should be able to turn to in a crisis were no longer there. It was SO LONELY. I was confused, tired, disoriented and in desperate need of help. The Lord brought an amazing group of women who despite hurting themselves loved me, embraced me and helped me SURVIVE the next few days and weeks.

I don’t know who this is for you. Pray that God would bring people to mind and trust those people to help you. I know it’s hard. Here I lost the two people closest to me and now had to trust others? Community may not be easy but IT’S A MUST. You need community for the sake of your family, your mental health and for a covering of prayer.

3. Create Boundaries / Create a Plan
I often say that just like with parenting there are general principles we can apply when parenting our children but if you’re a parent you know that each child is different. The same is true for your marriage. Although there are general steps you can take for your marriage, each marriage is different and your boundaries and plan will look different from mine.

Justin was NOT broken at the beginning of his confession! He was cold and made it very clear he was not in love with me and was not coming home. This was MY reality and I needed to create healthy boundaries. I kicked him out of our house. I created a new checking account and took the majority of our money. I had someone help me understand our finances because Justin did everything. I had a couple that helped me connect with Justin to take our boys since I wasn’t speaking to him. The list goes on and on. But with a plan and clear boundaries it gave my boys and I stability when my life was falling apart and time and space to begin to heal.

4. Counseling. Counseling. Counseling.
Let me first say that just because someone is a counselor that doesn’t mean they are good at what they do! Justin and I were so blessed by two amazing counselors Kathy (JD’s counselor) and Dan our marriage counselor. I don’t care if it takes you 5 tries to find a counselor your comfortable with YOU NEED TO GO.

Dan helped me navigate my emotions of the hurtful details Justin would share with me. He gave me tools to know how to grieve in a way that is healthy. He taught me that it was ok to “go after Justin” in sessions and demand the truth. He helped me to see my own junk and brokenness instead of hiding behind Justin’s. He allowed me to be angry but helped me not to become bitter. Each session we had to trust and choose to take ownership and action to step into that path of healing he was helping to provide.

5. Identity Thief / Finding Who You Are
It’s emotional to write this one. Who am I? What do I do from here? What will my family and friends say or do? What will my work do? Will I find a job to support my family? Am I really a single parent now? What if he marries her? How do I tell my kids? How do I walk my kids into school knowing half of our congregation will be there? God why? God what do I do? I worked so hard. I sacrificed so much just for this?

I no longer knew who I was. I hadn’t realized how I used so many other titles such as pastor’s wife, mom and friend to find my identity. The loss of so much brought me to my knees. Yet it allowed me to see that the only identity that matters is who I am in Christ. A loved daughter of the king and in time Jesus would teach me that this is enough.

You can Read a post by my husband Justin Here: 5 Things You Must Do to Restore Your Marriage After You’ve Had an Affair

Justin and I met in College and started doing ministry together in 1994. I have had the privilege of leading in various student ministries and in 2002 planted Genesis Church in Noblesville, Indiana. As the church quickly grew so did the demands and seductions of ministry and in 2005 our marriage imploded. You can read our story here.

Through the good and bad of 15 years of ministry there is one leadership lesson that often comes back to haunt me… insecurity. Insecurity in my opinion is one of the hardest leadership pitfalls to overcome. I know throughout my own family life and ministry career there have been seasons where I have had to fight through the tendency to lead out of my own insecurity.

You can read more of this post I wrote for the CultivateHer Blog HERE:

As with most people in the beginning of a new year, I have found myself re-evaluating every aspect of my life. Asking the hard questions to God in prayer and to trusted friends and mentors. Honestly, I wish God would just give me my own personal manual for my life instead of having to do so much searching. If He asked me to move to Africa He knows I’d go in a heartbeat…. Right?

What I have realized this past year is that I took the journey that God has had me on and turned it into what I wanted. As our family entered back into ministry I assumed that because of all the hard work I had done to restore my marriage and my issues that this next chapter would be the Promised Land. What I have learned is that life will always be messy because we live in a broken world. The Promised Land that I seem desperate for won’t come until I’m in Heaven.

With this new perspective I have been able to dream again. But this time with my feet firmly planted in knowing that true joy is not found in what I do but simply who I am as a daughter of the King. I’m a daughter who gets to be part of His story to change a hurting world. So here are some of my goals and dreams for 2010.

PERSONAL
Read through Bible
Run 3 Mini marathons Nashville, Indianapolis, Chicago
(may be more of a dream than a goal) ?
Pay off debt (we are halfway there) wha hoo
Monthly connect with trusted friends and mentors

MARRIAGE
Read 3 books together
1 weekend getaway
Pray consistently together

PARENTAL
Once a month Date Nights with each of my boys
Daily fully engage in what is happening in their lives
Consistently pray with them and for them

MINISTRY
Supporting launch of Cross Point Bellevue Campus
RefineUS ministry – you can read more about our plans soon at
RefineUs.org
Blog about life, love and leadership

My prayer for you is that regardless of your age, gender or broken dreams it is NEVER to late to start over and dream again. What goals and dreams do you hope to have in His story?

Last week I was blessed with the opportunity to attend Catalyst in Atlanta. It was the first time in four years that my husband Justin and I had been back to this conference. If you read my last post you will understand the magnitude of our return. I prayed, I backed out (several times), I asked for guidance from close friends and in the end felt called to go. With anticipation of what the week would hold, I begged God to give me a new sense of purpose and vision for my life. I knew by the end of the conference I would be able to blog about all that happened and tie this season of my life up with a BIG FAT PRETTY BOW!

As Justin and I walked into the familiar setting of Catalyst, I found that all the emotions that I thought I would feel were simply not there. The couple that we once were no longer exists so to try and go back to who we used to be was nearly impossible. I could feel the pretty fat bow start to take shape around my life and the level of anticipation of what God would speak left me giddy. The theme of the week was “On Your Mark” and Andy Stanley delivered a powerful opening message that set the tone for the sessions to come. While most people would be and should be fired up by his message I felt my pretty fat bow start to loosen it’s grip. The conference was no longer about Justin and I as a couple (although we were SO grateful to be there together) it became about me, 15 years of ministry and a lost “mark”.

In attempting to wrap my mind around what God was doing I prayed He would make it clear where I could find my mark. Have I missed it? Is being a wife, mom and friend my mark? If so, then why do I feel confused and discontent? Each of these roles mean the world to me! Is it a holy discontent or a fear of a mark I feel inadequate to embrace? I don’t want to be the double-minded person of James 1:8. Yet I don’t want to get started on a mark He has not asked me to embrace. What’s even more painful is that I love to help others find their mark! I don’t care what your baggage is, I know that God has a purpose and a plan for you! But how can I champion others to find their mark if I have no idea where to find mine? So I prayed, read scripture and listened….

I wish I could leave this post wrapped with a pretty fat bow, but I can’t. God has remained quiet and I am still waiting to hear “on your mark”. What I can leave you with is this… although I hate being in this place, I will never give-up! I don’t know why God has led me here but in the end he will wrap me in his pretty fat bow of grace and redemption and tell me “well done good and faithful servant” and that is the hope I cling to today.

I would love to hear if you are on this journey or would like to share words of encouragement for those of us who are!

In 1999 my husband Justin was a youth pastor in Kokomo Indiana. He set off to Atlanta to a conference called Catalyst. No one had ever heard of this conference. I thought he was crazy for going but he went anyway and I’m so glad he did. He came back forever changed by the vision and the encouragement that Andy and others gave. I NEVER imagine that 10 years later it would still be impacting our family.

In 2002, Justin and his good friend Pete Wilson dreamed of planting churches, Justin in Indiana and Pete in Tennessee. After weeks of dreaming together, we left to start Genesis Church in Noblesville, Indiana with just our two boys and one on the way. We had no insurance and no income but a vision, passion and belief that God wanted to do something great through the local church to change the Indianapolis area. By 2005 we had around 700 in attendance. It was amazing to see person after person and family after family find their way back to God.

In 2005 Justin and I along with a team of leaders from Genesis caught a plane bound for Atlanta to attend Catalyst but somehow I knew this trip would be different. It seemed that every speaker from Andy Stanley to Bill Hybels spoke on the importance of having godly character as a leader. In fact, there was so much talk about having character that matches your leadership that it became haunting. Then it happened….

Justin and Pete, (who was there with his team) walked in late to a main session. The look on Pete’s face said it all. The next 24 hours would be pure hell in ways I never imagined. The Sunday morning after Catalyst I lead worship and Justin spoke. After church he told me he was having an affair with a staff member who was also my best friend. I went from the high of Catalyst to loosing everything – my husband, my church family, friends and life as I had always known it. The next months ahead would bring more pain and revelation than I thought I could ever bear. You can read more of our story HERE.

We would spend the next two years restoring our marriage as we peeled backed the layers of dysfunction and hidden sin. I was all about restoring our marriage and forgiving my best friend but going back into ministry was NEVER a part of the equation…. or so I thought. In the summer of 2007 we decided to help out with the youth ministry at the church we attended. Our oldest was in 6th grade and it seemed like the right thing to do. What we didn’t know was that God would use these students to breakdown walls I had built towards the church. We found ourselves falling back in love with the calling God had placed on both of us for the local church. In 2009 after much counseling, conversation of reconciliation and LOTS OF PRAYER, God has led us back to serve on staff with our good friend Pete and his amazing staff at Cross Point Community Church in Nashville Tennessee!

Today Justin and I will walk back into the very place our painful journey began. Although I am SCARED to death I am humbled and stoked that God has redeemed this part of us. From 1999 now to 2009 I am ready more than ever to hear Jesus say “on your mark”!

I was asked to be a gust writer on my friend Jenni’s Blog. Below is the post I wrote for her on Leading from the Second Chair.

Jenni and I met 8 years ago when my husbandJustin was on staff at the church she attended. We have recently reconnected as my husband took a job at Cross Point Church where Jenni serves as the Executive Director.

One thing that Jenni and I have in common is our passion for leadership. Each time we get together we enjoy deep discussions about how to be better leaders, how to help others be better leaders and what leaders are currently impacting our lives.

So you may be wondering what do I do for a living? What is my title…. Are you ready? Well sorry to disappoint you but I don’t have a title. I have always led from the SECOND CHAIR. Let me further explain. Justin has been a pastor for 13 yrs (you can read our story HERE). I have not only been his #2 leader at certain times in ministry, I have played that role for many other leaders without a title or pay. I have had offers and opportunities but for the past 13 years my primary focus has been being a full-time stay-at-home mom to my three awesome boys and a part-time/full-time leader from the second chair. So I am sure your are asking yourself… “then what does this chick know about leadership?”

Webster’s defines a leader as “Someone who leads.” Leadership is not defined by a title or the number of people you are leading. I have met many people that have big dreams or feel as if they don’t have a big enough dream that are either waiting for a title or a belief in themselves to make those dreams a reality. While they wait, they see others who are less gifted to lead take off in pursuit of their dreams. Often, frustration and defeat sets in and the once big dream has now turned into bitterness and resentment. While I don’t believe that all of us are wired to be CEOs or Executive Directors, I do believe that God has given all of us the gift to lead from the second chair!

Leading from the second chair for me has been birthed from two passions and three principles. I have a passion to help people find their way back to God AND to help them discover God’s purpose and plan for their lives. In order to make these passions a reality from the second chair, I have lived by these three principles:

1. Leadership is about influence and using that influence to spur others toward a common goal.
2. Leading from the second chair eventually requires you to learn to lead from the first chair or to submit to someone else’s leadership.
3. A GOOD leader leads… a GREAT leader teaches others to lead.

I have had the privilege to see first hand three women who lead from the second chair although there are many more I could write about! Angie has taken her pain of loss and grief and turned into a website and soon to be book. Although she is not counseling every person that’s on a similar journey, from the second chair she has provided encouragement, affirmation and hope! She and her best friend  Jessica also started a book club to provide further encouragement! My dear friend Brandi’s second chair leadership has MANY different facets, but one of my favorites is her blog. She uses her second chair to inspire, encourage and just make people laugh, that yes, even pastors’ families aren’t perfect.

Any further insights or experience you have had in leading from the second chair?

Below is a video that the Cultivate Her team and I produced to introduce the topic of “Bullying” this past Friday. If you are a woman that has the gift of leadership, you should really consider attending October’s Cultivate Her experience on Friday, October 16th, at 7:00 AM. For more info check out the Cultivate Her link on Jenni’s blog.

Cultivate Her – “Bullies” from Jenni Catron on Vimeo.

The Cultivate Her team share their own “bully” stories.